Eleanor Yap
Gilbert Tan, 72, takes his marriage vows very seriously. Married for 42 years to his “love of my life”, Lucy Koh, he shared, “I uphold my marriage vows religiously and I stand by her: both in sickness and in health. That has been my guiding principle till today.”
The two had big travel plans when they retired two years ago. But that was not meant to be. In 2017, Lucy who was at the time age 67 suffered a stroke. It was a Friday that she went in for a tooth extraction and after that, they went for lunch and went home. That evening, she had swell in her mouth and Gilbert didn’t think much about it knowing that she had a tooth extraction earlier.
But the next day, in the morning, the swelling was still there and Lucy started to slur a little. “I figured that if her mouth was swollen, it was a natural reaction to the tooth extraction and I didn’t think much about it.” That evening, her slurring got worse. The grandfather of three took her to a nearby clinic but it was closed because it was a Saturday. He then called a friend who was a doctor and he told Gilbert to immediately bring her to the nearest hospital.
Nothing to do with the tooth
It was Sunday morning when she was admitted to Ng Teng Fong Hospital. The doctor there did a quick check and confirmed she had a stroke and she was immediately warded. Said Gilbert, “I went home crying.”
In the course of the next 52 days in the hospital, Lucy was put through a battery of tests, which included several rounds of MRIs, blood tests and X-rays to figure out what was specifically wrong with her and how to prevent it from relapses. The hospital further confirmed that one of the vessels in the left side of her brain was blocked and that she was suffering from an illness known as an ischemic stroke. The stroke affected her right leg, arm and fingers, as well as her speech. Gilbert was thankful that “her facial muscles were not affected and her faculties were still intact”.
After the tests, came rehabilitation. She went not only for physiotherapy but she also received occupational therapy and speech therapy. During that time, she learned how to use her finger to point whenever she wanted something and “that became her instruction tool”, explained Gilbert.
After her rehabilitation, the hospital released her to go home but it was there where Gilbert and Lucy felt completely at a loss. “We are not therapists so we didn’t know what to do to keep her improving,” said Gilbert. He then asked the doctor to refer them to a place where Lucy could continue her rehabilitation and he recommended the NTUC Silver Circle senior care centre nearest to their flat. “We went into the programme but we quit after two months as I found it inadequate and ill-equipped for Lucy’s needs. There was just one portable peddle machine, two parallel bars and a bed.”
He decided to take matters into his own hands and started scouting around for other options, while Lucy was still at NTUC Silver Circle. It was then that he got a recommendation to Stroke Support Station (S3) at the Enabling Village and late last year, Lucy got into its programme.
Finding help
Gilbert shared about S3: “I fell in love with the place. It has a different atmosphere, meaning that it has a community environment. You don’t feel like you are going to a hospital. Everyone there seems to be playing and everyone is smiling.
“We also see others with the same condition – with some in wheelchairs and some are not. Now finding S3, Lucy looks forward to going there. There are only two places she looks forward to – going to church and to S3!”
He explained that Lucy is on the S3’s Walk-on fitness programme, which helps stroke survivors walk better, improve their gait speed and boost their overall health, and she has been making progress. “She can do things that I am amazed. She is now using a walking stick. Before going to S3 and after being discharged from the hospital, she was on a wheelchair. She is now able to get up on her own and go to the toilet using the walking stick. Her mobility has improved, albeit her walking is still slow. Her legs are improving faster than her arm and speech. She can lift up her leg and move it around independently. Her arm is also showing signs of recovery and she can now push and pull.”
However, her speech is still lagging behind and Lucy still slurs. Gilbert has tried using boards and even an ipad to help with communication but that hasn’t worked much. What has worked for her is finger pointing and using simple sentences. He also shared a pet peeve – “Whenever you meet people with deficits, don’t tell them they look well or good because they know they are not normal anymore and internally, they don’t feel whole. In Lucy’s case, I will ask them to talk about her previous activities such as cooking and baking. Looks can be deceiving, what is inside may be painful as with those who suffer from a stroke might have their hands just hanging down.”
Financial controller
Asked how he has been doing as a caregiver, he shared, “This journey has been absolutely taxing for me. It has been to the detriment of my health, friends and activities since I look after her 24-7. At the beginning, I lost three to four kilos as a full-time caregiver.” He further explained that Lucy was the financial controller in the household. With the stroke, she forgets her passwords to bank accounts, stocks and shares, fixed deposits, and her own mobile phone, etc. He said he would wake up in the middle of the night “in cold sweat and sweating bullets”.
“I would wake up worried as I needed to buy groceries and I didn’t know how I was going to get the money. I didn’t want to ask my children (who are living abroad) for help. I even asked the doctor to write a note that would allow me access to our bank accounts but the banks said no. I went to the toilet and cried. Church friends even offered to help, but I told them I could handle it.” He decided to temporarily draw money from his own savings and within 14 months when all the bank statements started to come in, he then got a clearer picture as to where all their funds were. Even joint bank accounts he could not access as he didn’t know the passwords. He now advises others – “It is best to share all passwords. As a result of all this, we have now done a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA).”
Gilbert also wrote letters and attached supporting documents including the doctor’s report of his wife. He Invited bank representatives to come to his home since at the time Lucy was immobile. He said, “Six banks came to the house. They found her incapable and gave me access to most of the accounts after two weeks. I ended up closing all the accounts and now have one personal account in my name and one joint with my wife.”
But that was not all. “I even stopped playing golf when she got a stroke. I felt the pain she was going through. Before we would fall asleep, she would often say negative things and that would eat me up. As a result, I had no appetite to eat so I lost weight. All of these took a heavy toll on me.
“How to enjoy myself knowing my poor wife is at home not enjoying herself. What happens if she falls down? The helper is there to keep an eye and cook. You can’t expect her to be able to help if Lucy suddenly falls, gets sick or has a pain somewhere. These are my thoughts 24-7.”
After those tough moments, Gilbert is seeing light at the end of the tunnel. These days, he is feeling more at ease and has even gained some weight. “I am seeing some friends but still not good enough. The recovery journey is a long one and I am positive she will walk without the stick one day.”
He added, “Many times, I am pushed to the edge of the cliff. When she wants something to be done and the instruction isn’t clear because of her slurring and I do what I think is what she wants and if it isn’t, she would yell at me and I would blow my top. Often times I have to remind myself that she had a stroke and she is just behaving in her new normal self – and then I will regret losing my cool. I would never leave her or do something silly to myself, and go against my marriage vows.”
