Contributors
My mom has schizophrenia. She is not schizophrenia. She is not her mental illness. It is just a part of her. I believe people who are suffering from mental illness should not be stigmatised and we should embrace them as who they are and support them whenever we can.
My childhood
My dad told me that when I was an infant, my mom would run away with me to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) and never told anyone, and IMH would call home. She was actually diagnosed with schizophrenia before I was born and my dad was the main caregiver. Though she took regular medication, she had the free-will to do whatever she wanted as she was stable. She also held a job. The one episode that I did remember was when I was in Primary 1 in 1997 at the age of seven when my mom believed my dad was practising black magic on her. This delusion, which stemmed from schizophrenia, was a factor in my parents’ later divorce.
At that time, my dad had to switch from his supervisory job to working nights as a security guard to take care of me as I am the only child. Due to his new job, he could no longer monitor closely my mom’s medication. One night, we were waiting for her to return home to have dinner together. We gave her a call and she said she would be back shortly. However, that was the last time we ever heard from her again. My dad and I had no clue where she went and the next day we went searching for her. We went everywhere including her workplace, her favourite places, and the neighbourhood and family places, but no one knew where she went.
During that time, there was news of people getting kidnapped and chopped up or put on the streets to become beggars. We were very concerned and we filed a police report. We were worried about her, and we prayed for a miracle and for her to return.
A month later, my dad received a divorce letter from her which devastated him. After that, word got around among some of my schoolmates about my family situation and I was bullied with taunts of being “motherless”. As a child, I was really timid and had low self-esteem. During that time, all I knew was I had a leave school an hour earlier as my dad was worried my mom would take me from him. However, my mom never came back until the court hearing when my parents fought for my custody.
After my parents’ divorce in early 1998 and I ended up with my dad and my mom was given visitation rights of once a week on the weekends and only with supervision of my dad. It was then my mom re-entered my life. We were supposed to go to clear up the family house and she was there. It felt awkward initially as sometimes she would be talking to herself and I also didn’t know what was wrong with her, but slowly it got better especially when I got older when I slowly understood why she left us. She would bring me to church, buy gifts for me, let me play arcade games, brought me to eat good food, etc. She didn’t know what I wanted and once bought girls’ shirts for me. At least she had the heart for me. Initially, she didn’t want to take her medication even with the diagnosis as she believed she was fine, but later she agreed. It was only when I was 11 or 12 when I truly knew something was wrong with her.
Changing times
As I grew older, sometimes I thought how I wished my mom wasn’t like this. Those thoughts were naive. Now looking back, I am thankful for what I have gone through as it has made me more mature.
To be frank, I took up nursing as one of my choices after my ‘O’ Levels as I thought I could learn some skills that could help in me looking after my parents as they age. I feel that nursing is a noble job and something that’s meaningful as those in it can help those who are in need and they can make a difference in other people’s lives. Nursing has allowed me to learn more about life and to look at things in a different manner.
During my time with my mom, I had many challenging times communicating with her. Whenever she gave me things or was feeling mentally unwell, she would start swearing and ask me to go and die. She would also ask me to return items that were given by her a few years back! I believe my mom couldn’t accept she had an illness. I decided to be a psychiatric nurse in mid-2014 because of her. I felt it would allow me to get closer to her, communicate better with her and understand her condition. I have learned to be empathetic even when she is yelling at me or scolding me. It is really her illness that causes her to be like this. I have learned more about her; I watch what she does and likes, in an effort to build a positive relationship with her. It is important that I do my best to ensure she doesn’t feel lonely, and to be patient and educate her about her illness, medicine-compliance and going for follow-up treatments. Today, my mom who is 56 years old is living on her own.
My relationship with her has improved since working as a psychiatric nurse and she is now more understanding of my job. She was initially concerned that my mental state might be affected as a result of my job and I would become like her. To overcome this, I told her that I understood where she was coming from by saying what she was saying and that she meant well by saying it. We need to accept them not change them and treat them as who they are. Through this understanding, my mom and I have lesser arguments now and she smiles more when we are together.
Patients with mental illness have relapses once in a while but for her, she has had few relapses last year and the year before. I am very happy that she is doing better. It is important to give those with mental illness emotional support to keep them going so they don’t feel alone as sometimes they feel the whole world is against them.
I see my mom once a week, depending on my schedule, and we go to movies or dinner together. I have also learned never to give up on her and to always treasure the people you love and let them know how much you love them, not only in words but also in deeds.
Rayson Choo, 28, is a trained psychiatric nurse for four years and plans to be a life coach.
